im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
