currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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