im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
