you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How's work?
Spinning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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