i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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