Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
