Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
