On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's always time for handjobs
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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