So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
