When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She just used a chaser for red wine.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
