so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
