You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You are a genius and a whore.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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