3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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