Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
