her vagina looked like bernie madoff
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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