He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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