i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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