You just made me feel so damn special
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
