I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
