Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How does one acquire holy water?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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