I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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