drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
