I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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