she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
