I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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