If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
