im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
