"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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