What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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