My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
