Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
