i permit you to call me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
