I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
