he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
