I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
