Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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