Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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