i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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