splinters make it hard to masturbate
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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