she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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