I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize