i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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