I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
