Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize