I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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