I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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