Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
whose parrot is this?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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