If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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