Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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