Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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