Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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