This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
