can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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