Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
