I want to make a zoo with you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You are a genius and a whore.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
