I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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