I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize